Matt's Gamer Rants
by SilverWingedRaven
Summary: NO GAME IS SAFE FROM THE RANTS OF MATT! This is basically a collection of rants courtesy of everyones' favorite red-head about some games he plays. R&R feel free to laugh
1. MarioKart Wii Rants

**A/N: And now I make the worst choice possible and start another new story. With multiple chapters. Oh boy.**

**This is basically a bunch of rants about stupid videogames I play. And since Matt's a gamer, I figured "Hey, why not think like you're Matt playing the game, and then you can write about it like Matt?". And I can do that because we have a psychic connection. We're like the same person sometimes.**

**Anyway, I'll only be updating this when I play a game and notice some weird stuff about it.**

**I own nothing, now read already!**

Hello gamers of the world! I, Matt, your king, am here to rant! Yes rant, because this is what happens when Roger stops serving bacon at breakfast. That's right; you get a crazy red-head, ranting about what he knows best: Video games. And Mello's kinks, but that's beside the point.

Awkward moment aside, I want to rant to you all about the game MarioKart Wii. Most of you should know what it is, and if you don't, you had better crawl out from that rock you've been living under your whole life, take a deep breath of polluted air, stop choking, and get you pathetic little ass to GameStop.

Anyway, I shall start with how biased the power ups are. When you're in last place you can get great things like the golden mushrooms, bullet bills, the lightning thing, and the pow thing. But you know what you get when you're in first place? Bananas. You get bananas. No, you don't even get bananas, you get banana _peels_. PEELS! And they have these STUPID SMILEY FACES on them! What kind of banana has a face? That's right, the kind some dumb little kid decided to draw a face on!

Ok Matt… Deep breaths… in… and out. In… and out. Gah I hate bananas! I'm never going to eat another one again! No, I will only eat bananas from this day forth to rid the world of them! Just like how vegetarians only eat plants because they hate them so much. And don't say they do it because they love animals. That is a lie. And if you are a vegetarian because you love animals, then you're delusional and/or have not yet been informed of your cult's true intentions.

Moving on, I would like to replay a little scene that happened during my gaming marathon this afternoon.

_I'm on the 150cc grand prix. It's the second lap on DK mountain/DK summit or whatever it was called. I'm in 1st, like a boss, and then, out of nowhere, I fall off of the mountain WHEN I CLEARLY TURNED AWAY FROM THE CLIFF!_

_When I finally resurface, I'm 12th. Last. Fucking. Place. I started yelling at the Wii (What, you don't do that?)_

"_What the fuck, man? I totally steered away from that cliff! You know what? Behold, shitty game system: My middle finger!"_

_Oh, would you look at that, I'm in 7th now. Yeah, smart move, mister Wii._

Yup, that's how you get what you want in life, kids. Raise your middle fingers proudly.

BUT WAIT! I'm not done yet! I still have more shit to say! Like how I unlocked Dry Bones (like a boss) and this stupid little bike called the 'Quacker'. The fucking Quacker. It's a duck. A DUCK! But you know what? That duck is a kick ass bike. Sure, if you listen closely it sounds like one of those scooter things an old person rides, but it's still pretty awesome. Of course, then Mello came in and started making fun of me for having my character ride a duck.

He took a Wii remote to the head and is yet to regain consciousness.

…On second thought, I should probably make sure if he's ok… Us being roommates and all…

He's not breathing. HOLY SHITBALLS HE'S NOT BREATHING!

This concludes my rant on MarioKart Wii. And don't worry, the doctor said Mello would be out of the hospital soon.

**A/N: Please review, they help Mello get better and Matt learn self-control.**


	2. Sims: Torture has Never Been so Fun

**A/N: Oh. My. Fucking. Gummy bears. S-So many reviews? In so few days? Wow, when I published this, I thought this was going to be one of those stories that just sat there and never got any reviews. Hell, it was only 681 words, and that's including the author's note. But I opened my E-mail this morning, feeling like crap, and BOOM! 18 e-mails from ff. 18. I usually only get 1-9 after I publish something/update it! So many people favorited this and me I almost exploded with happiness and sprinkles C:**

**BIG HUGS for: XxAmi IzunexX, BriGirl, mattxmello (guest), Diehardoutsider, lolgreeness, Guest, and DarkAngelJudas. This chapter is dedicated to ALL OF YOU!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Mello is a bitch.

That's right, I just called my own boy-toy a bitch. I saved his life by calling an ambulance last chapter and then he… he… ARGH!

You look confused. What? Because I called him my boy-toy? Were you paying any attention last chapter?

"_you get a crazy red-head, ranting about what he knows best: Video games. And Mello's kinks, but that's beside the point."_

See? 'Mello's kinks'. Mello+Matt=M rated stuff.

…Don't look at me like that. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

…Moving on.

Back to what Mello did. That bastard! He did the most evil, heartless, unforgivable thing known to mankind! And to penguins, which is saying something because they are sick twisted creatures. I mean, have you SEEN them fight over a fish? It's a terrible image.

Cue flashback.

_I walked into Mello's hospital room. Opening the door revealed a blonde man-lady lying in a hospital bed with a laptop in front of him. Wait… A laptop?_

"_Hey Mells." I greeted. "What are you doing?"_

_He turned his head toward me with an evil grin on his face. "Oh, you'll see. Just come here and you'll soon find out…" He muttered evilly. Ok, I was not liking where this was going. They don't allow patients to carry weapons, do they?_

"_Ok…" I complied by kneeling down by the side of his bed and looking at the computer screen. Looks like he's playing Sims 3. Well, nothing too dangerous there. "What did you wanna show me, Mells?" I asked._

_He smirked. "My vengence." Uh oh. He proceeded to bring a sim that looked exactly like me into the basement where we had our awesome pool and shove him in. Then, he removed all of the ladders in the pool so virtual me was stuck._

"_No, Mello, put the ladders back! I'll die!"_

_He just laughed manically like the sadistic mafia boss he is as my character drowned on screen._

End of flashback.

You see? Do you see what that monster did to digital me? It was horrible! I couldn't look away so I just sat there and watched myself drown.

That happened last week, and I'm still having nightmares. *shudder* I may never go swimming again…

But luckily for all of my fans out there I got back at Mello through the Sims world as well. All I had to do was enter the code that let you give you sim phobias and gave virtual Mihael Keehl a phobia of leather, cats, girls, trees and chocolate. Then I just sat back and let the breakdowns begin.

Life is good.

**A/N: Not much of a rant on games this time, but hey, it was about a game. And everyone knows that the Sims games are best for torturing little digital people more so than anything else. :)**

**Now review my pretties, review ;)**


	3. Gotta catch em all! Or DO YOU?

**A/N: Hello, my wonderful readers! I have returned with yet another rant! I hope you thoroughly enjoy this insanity.**

**Just a few notes for some of you retards:**

**Uke= The guy on bottom**

**Seme=The guy on top**

**Interpret that as you will ;)**

**I do not own Death Note or Pokémon TT^TT**

* * *

Damn the fifth generation. Just, damn it. As if the fourth one wasn't bad enough, they had to make a whole new region with some super cool, original Pokémon. Note the sarcasm.

Ah, Pokémon. Every gamer's beloved childhood, and for me, present and future. I remember when my parents died and all they left me was a GameBoy and a copy of Pokémon Yellow.

Ok, that's not exactly correct. I remember stealing that system and game from some weird kid on my first day at Wammy's. That boy was unworthy of Pokémon Yellow. He picked his nose. He deserved to DIE!

Anyway, I love Pokémon. They're so cute and cuddly and deadly at the same time! But then that new region came and forever soiled it's image.

I mean yeah, the graphics kick ass. You only need one eye to see that. But the new Pokémon… They are just… To put it bluntly, they SUCK.

Yeah, some of them are good, like the starters and legendaries. Those are always good. But then you have ones like _Darumaka_ and _Scraggy_ and that weird one that looks like an ice cream cone! That ice cream cone… It doesn't even look yummy! It's a disgrace to all frozen dairy treats!

And _Trubbish_. They just had to make _Trubbish_, didn't they? That thing's just a little trash bag! And you know what you get when you evolve it? A BIGGER TRASH BAG! In fact, it's got garbage and slime oozing out of it! Seriously, I'm afraid to make my Pokémon use physical attacks on it because they might get sick!

Now you might be thinking, _"So what if you don't like some of the Pokémon? Just don't catch them. Or maybe catch them and then trade them."_ Well the shitty new Pokémon isn't all that's fucked up about the fifth generation.

First of all, there's that stupid Casteliacone thing. No matter how late I stay up or how early I start, they've always run out! I'll bet they just threw that in to frustrate the players, because it's _impossible!_ And if you have actually gotten a Casteliacone, you forever have my respect. Unless you cheated by changing your DS's time. Then shame on you. Shame.

And then you've got those creeps, Cheren and Bianca. They annoy the shit out of me. Whenever I'm about to enter a city of about to leave one, one of `em runs up to me and is all like, "Matt, Matt! You have to battle me because if I was a Pokémon my ability would be shitty timing! Now come on and try to beat my wimpy Pokémon!"

They. Make. Me. Sick.

Seriously, what's with the whole 'Childhood Friend' thing all of a sudden? The rivals that hated your guts were much more fun and were a lot tougher. Besides, Professor Juniper sent the Pokémon to _ME._ Why should I have to share them with those two? I would much rather keep them all and laugh when they ask, "But Matt, where's my Pokémon? Sharing is caring!" and then I'd push them down and say, "Well then it's too bad I don't care! Later losers!" and then I'd run away.

Don't give me that look. You'd do the same thing and you know it.

Besides, they never even would've made it to Straighton if it wasn't for the game's stupid programming. They would've gotten raped, or kidnapped, or something like that. I know they have Pokémon to protect them, but theirs are wimpy and the rapists/kidnappers probably have Pokémon too. And then their Pokémon would've gotten Poke-raped and the game's rating would've been boosted to M.

But none of you would have played it then, would you? Unless you're crazy sadists who dream about that sort of thing. Like Mello. I remember one night after I lectured him about Pokémon, he started talking in his sleep and saying things like, "Pikachu, use rape attack!" or "Yes, my Uke-Eevee evolved into a Seme-Umbreon!"

Needless to say, I never talked to him about Pokémon again.

Because to Mello, everything is sexual.

Sorry you had to read that.

Now I'll move on to something a bit more kid friendly, like the anime. AND HOW IT IS A FILTHY LIE! Either that, or the games are. I mean, in the anime, there are a bunch of towns that never appear in the games (ex: Neon City in Kanto). And apparently, Blue and Red are Gary and Ash, WHICH MAKES NO SENSE!

Blue is a gym leader.

Gary's a trainer.

Blue is related to that one chick in that one house in Pallet in Heart Gold/Soul Silver.

Gary is the grandson of Prof. Oak.

Red is the original Pokémon master.

Ash is a loser.

Red disbanded Team Rocket single handedly.

Ash can't beat the lamest squad of Team Rocket in existence.

Red has who knows how many Pokémon.

Ash can't seem to catch more than ten. Period.

The only thing they seem to have in common is that Blue is obviously fucking Red and Gary is screwing Ash!

…Well, so much for that staying kid appropriate.

So, I'm gonna stop now before people start yelling at me for ruining their image of Pokémon or saying that this fic should be rated M.

… Holy shit, I just broke the fourth wall!

* * *

**A/N: I am sorry if I just brutally murderd your image of Pokemon with a plastic spoon. **

**More reviews=More rants=More laughter=Longer life. Yes, laughing make you live longer.**

**PIKACHU SAYS REVIEW!**


	4. Manly Moon: Harvest the Masculinity

**A/N: If you haven't played Harvest Moon, you need to. It will change your life. In a good way. I hope 0.0**

**I don't own anything except my twisted brain and it's weird ideas**

* * *

Mello is a hypocrite. That's right, I said it. He caught me playing Harvest Moon, and immediately said I was being a 'little sissy girl' and that men don't play these kinds of games.

He tells me this while he's brushing his teeth with a PINK toothbrush (which he claims is just pale red) and he had hair curlers in his hair.

BUT DO NOT LET THAT BLOND CHOCOHOLIC FOOL YOU; HARVEST MOON IS A VERY MANLY GAME FOR THE MANLIEST OF MEN!

I mean, if it _wasn't_ designed specifically for macho men, then why can you only play as a boy in 'A Wonderful Life' and other ones that I'm sure exist somewhere out there maybe. And then in all the other games, you have the option of playing as a boy or a girl, so HA!

And besides, you're working on a farm in these games. It's a fact that most farmers are dudes. And you're constantly swinging around a sickle or hammer and destroying your crops' dead corpses or smashing rocks.

See? Manly stuff.

And those cute and cuddly little elves called the Harvest Sprites are totally manly too. Some of the ones in Harvest Moon: Cute have HANDLE BAR MUSTACHES! And they let you GAMBLE!

…Mello just pointed out to me that you can only play as a female in Cute and that the sprites don't really look like that or let you gamble in any of the other games.

But that means Mello has played Harvest Moon.

Which means Mello is secretly a girl.

…Which means I just facepalmed because I realized I contradicted myself. Men CAN play Harvest Moon. Just not without getting made fun of, it seems.

##

Well now that I'm done ranting about the games' (and Mello's) various gender problems, I will now continue on to the games various _other_ problems. For example: Your mentally retarded neighbors.

I was playing Harvest Moon: Tale of Two Towns and going about my business and talking to the townsfolk like a seemingly nice farmer. I decided to go and talk to this old lady called Jessica or something and she tells me that I 'had better be working hard' and that 'farmers don't get sick days'. That was just fine. Nothing wrong there. So then I go outside and talk to her son, Ash. And you know what he says?

"Hey Matt. Are you working today?"

OF COURSE I AM, YOU DIPSHIT! Yo mama just said I can't have a day off, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS OR SOMETHING?

See? I am surrounded by idiots, even in the virtual world.

Oh, and then, in Sunshine Islands, there's this cute little girl called Eliza. She hates wool and is afraid of my adorable puppy. And her dad/grandpa barks at him. He barked at my dog. And then there's Elliot, who is afraid of milk, and William, the millionaire in a sweat suit.

These people are not normal.

Neither is the way the game pairs them up. In Animal Parade, you have Maya: the person who cannot cook if her life depended on it, and Chase: the awesome chef. And then in A Wonderful Life, you have Marlin and Celia, who I'm pretty sure are related, and Gustafa: The hippie and Nami: The emo paired together.

I'm sorry, did I miss something? How could these people ever like each other?! It's not logical!

And then all the extra bachelors/bachelorettes like the Witch Princess and Shea and The Wizard are all left to die alone unless you choose to marry them.

It's sick.

And on top of all the stupid people you have the stupid animals. Like in Animal Parade (again) there's a bear just chillin in the corner of the Garmon Mine District or whatever it was called, surrounded by delicious humans, yet it never eats anyone. And the people don't even acknowledge it! I swear, Luke walks around it every day and neither of them reacts at all! That's as insane as a house having huge holes in it from the outside but from the inside, it looks totally fine.

Oh wait, that happens in the game too. And that's not even the worst part.

You can befriend that bear and keep it as a pet in your broken down house. And then you can have a baby and leave it in the same room as the bear and it won't get eaten.

You see? This is why the next generation is so damn irresponsible. Kids are gonna go out into the woods and try to make nice with a bear. Don't be surprised next time you go in the woods and you find a pile of dead kids' skeletons.

And you know what? This game might be the reason teenage girls don't like eating! You don't have to eat at all in the Harvest moon games, it's completely optional!

What, you thought they just wanted to be skinny? Oh please.

But aside from all this video game bashing, Harvest Moon is still a really fun, really manly game, even if it is destroying society.

…That didn't sound very convincing did it?

Screw convincing, I have strawberries to pick and turnips to water.

* * *

**A/N: …This fic just makes game sound horrible, doesn't it? It's easier to rant about the bad than the good, I guess.**

**Alrighty kiddos, your homework is to go get a Harvest Moon game and play until at least year two by the next chapter, Okay? Your entire grade depends on this.**

**But you get extra credit if you review ;)**


	5. Final Fantasy Killed the Mello

**A/N: Hey I have a new rant for you guys! But just a quick side note, I may not be updating for a while since where I am, POKÉMON BLACK 2 AND WHITE 2 COME OUT TOMARROW! So I will be busy playing that for a while. On the bright side, you will probably get a rant that revolves around B2 and W2. Warning, they may contain spoilers.**

**Anyway, I don't own Death Note, Kingdom Hearts, or Final Fantasy, so stop bugging me about it, K?**

You know, I may live at Wammy's House, but sometimes even I have my stupid moments. Like a few weeks ago, when I dragged Near to GameStop with me because Mello was sick. You see, I had the specific intent of finally getting Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days. Then, after about an HOUR of searching the store, Near informs me that the clerk said they DON'T HAVE THAT GAME and the nearest store that has it is MILES AWAY! Like on the other side of England!

Of course he also told me that they had 6 copies of the game there. But I am WAY too lazy to go all the way across the country for a video game (no matter how necessary they are for survival). So I sat in the corner of the store and pouted for a bit before I decided to buy Final Fantasy IV instead.

…What? KH can wait for another day and I needed games NOW.

This, however, was my stupid moment. You see, I bought Final Fantasy IV BEFORE playing Final Fantasy I-III. Near ever so rudely pointed this out to me on the walk back to Wammy's.

So I picked him up and put him in a dumpster. He's probably still there.

…Damn, Mello's starting to influence me. I'll have to burn some chocolate after this.

Moving on, I took the game home and immediately started playing it and this is all I understood:

Cecil and Rosa are fucking.

Ladies can conjure up dragons.

There is no blood in that game no matter how brutal a death the characters suffer.

That Ana chick looks a hell of a lot like Daisy from Mario. Spoiler: SHE DIES! LOL! (don't judge, it was funny for some strange reason)

They have invented flying boats, but there is still no sign of indoor plumbing.

Becoming a Paladin means having your armor taken away and being shoved back down to level one. Oh, and you get a new haircut.

Pearls have the ability to cure fevers.

Hey, wait a second… Mello has a fever… TO THE BEACH!

##

Okay, pearls are harder to find then I thought. I looked all over the beach for HOURS and I couldn't find any pearls! I looked in the ocean, and in a kid's sand castle, and in all the hot dogs at a concession stand.

Okay, I wasn't really looking through hot dogs. I was just hungry. So in the end, I caved and bought a cheap pearl necklace at some random shop place on the way back.

When I got back to Wammy's, I burst into Mello's room. Thanks to this video game, I was going to HEAL him the way only a dark knight can!

…That didn't sound as cool or intimidating as I thought it would.

Okay, so according to the game, the light from the pearls heals any ailment or something. Well, these pearls weren't giving off any light, so I put them on Mello's unconscious little face and started shining a flash light on them.

All that happened was Mello waking up and punching me in the nuts.

…I bet that never happened to Cecil…

So, I decided to try another way of using the pearls to heal him: Making him eat them. I didn't tell him he had to eat pearls though because then he would hurt me so my manly bits would never recover, so I just shoved them done his throat.

…Why does it seem Mello ends up in the hospital so much? I'll bet he knows the doctors by name now. One actually walked in and said, "Oh Mello, not again" without looking at his clipboard or asking his name.

Hm, I guess he was just supposed to eat the pearls one at a time…

**A/N: So, yeah. I hope that wasn't too many spoilers. And for some reason Ana's death WAS funny! I couldn't stop laughing and my sister was giving me weird looks because she could hear Ana giving her death speech thing.**

**So… you should review before I scare you guys any more. He he he he…**


	6. Get Away From my Games!

**A/N: What's this? An update? Yes it is! This was inspired by my little sister taking my KH games and how messed up our interpretations of the game can be.**

**I own nothing.**

**Warning: Contains spoilers and shocking revelations**

Guess who finally got Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days? THIS GUY! And let me tell you, I am loving it. Mostly because you can play as Roxas, who puts Sora to shame by simply existing. Aside from that, there's the keyblade customization, the graphics, the exciting, yet occasionally mellow storyline…

Damn, this is starting to sound like an actual review of the game. We'll just have to fix that won't we? And I'll start by -you guessed it- complaining about what Mello did.

I'm still in shock about it, I mean, why would he, of all people, do THAT? No, he didn't break my game if that's what you're thinking.

He… he started PLAYING it! And he was ENJOYING it! That's it; the world is coming to an end. I guess the Mayans were just a few weeks off with their calendar thing. In fact, Mello even beat the game before I did! I'm still on day 250 or something and he beat the game.

He beat the game.

He beat the game?

He beat… the game…

See, I still can't fully grasp that statement. I'm in that much shock. You need serious thumb muscles for a game like that, and someone who sits around eating chocolate all day cannot have thumb muscles. Unless he's been gaming behind my back… NO, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT!

And you know what? He has NO respect for the depth of the storyline and the turmoil the characters are going through. In fact, when Xion had Sora's head (don't ask) and announced she was going to have to kill Roxas, he summed up her little speech like this:

Xion: Roxas, I need to kill you so I can DIE!

Roxas: Xion, your logic makes no sense!

I almost punched him in the face right then and there. But I opted for punching him in the gut instead. He threw up for a while and I got a black eye. But Xion was avenged… Until Roxas killed her, but whatever.

And you know what? Even though he's already beaten the game and it is back in my safe, capable hands, he will not stop saying "Got it memorized?" I could barely handle it when Axel kept saying it, but now Mello? I did punch him in the face that time, and that's why we're both in the hospital right now and he's glaring angrily at me.

You see what happens when you mess with my games, Mello? Things get ugly. Uglier than a hybrid of Xaldin and Larxene. Oh my god… I just imagined that and… Ow, my mind's eye… That's gonna be hard to un-see. Well at least it wasn't a combination of Xaldin, Larxen, Saix, and a three headed puppy…

Oh that was even worse! Oh my god, please don't imagine it! It burns!

**A/N: Well I'm tired and that's all I got for now so… Bye! Have a nice day/night and make mine better by reviewing! P.S, sorry for any mental scarring**


	7. May the PS2 Rest in Peace

**A/N: Hello guys, sorry for the lack of updates lately, but it's here now, right? Enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

Greetings, world - Matt here. I bear bad news. I have recently witnessed the demise of someone very close to me. They were my best friend. Someone I could count on to always cheer me up. We stuck together through thick and thin, ever since early childhood.

In loving memory of my Play Station 2. *sniffle* R.I.P. We had some good times together, and for that I have made a compilation of rants on certain games for this system.

The Simpsons: Hit and Run

Holy shit, I loved that game. Not so much the plot, but the fact that I can run around as Homer in his underwear and steal cars and jump off highways and stuff. That's exactly what I want to do if I can ever afford life insurance.

But the actual story of the game basically involves you running around as multiple characters from The Simpsons and doing a bunch of tasks. In the first level or so, you're just Homer goofing off. But by the end of your run as Bart you *spoiler* get abducted by aliens. For the next few levels, you play as other characters who run around doing tasks that somehow lead to Bart's return home.

After Bart gets back, you get to play as Homer/Marge/I can't remember again, only this time there are zombies and ghosts and shit. Apparently it had something to do with toxic waste spills and an evil mayor or something…? I don't know; I was a bit distracted by the new cars I got to steal and destroy. And that's about as far as I got in the game – no, I actually did not beat it. But on the bright side, I got a shit-ton of cars and weird outfits for my characters.

Sometimes I'd be driving around and be all like: Behold the power of BART MAN – the ten year old in a `70s sports car! Fuck the police, I'm gonna drive my car through this sheet of glass and there's nothing you can do about it! Well, that is until the damage meter fills up and the cops hunt you down. Not fun.

Also, there were these spy-camera bees who attacked you and stuff… But like I said, I was more focused on my road rage.

Ah, sweet road rage.

And underage driving.

Hell yes.

Thrillville

In Thrillville, you get to build your own amusement park by placing rides, building coasters, and making your competition – Globo Joy – look like crap in comparison. When you first start, you get to name and customize your character who can be anything from a little girl to a middle aged man. You then get an entertaining lecture by the crazy old man who owns the park, but for some reason has decided to make you manager. Then you breeze through the tutorial and you're on your own in the park.

But soon afterwards, you become aware of all the barf and litter around. So what do you do? Who hire groundskeepers! But then it turns out they have zero experience and suck at their job, so you have to train them. And by train, I mean clean up the park in their place. Whoopie. I hope you caught how sarcastic that cheer was. Same goes for your mechanics and cheerleaders (because an amusement park totally needs cheerleaders).

Along the way, you complete missions, like placing a ton of bathrooms in your park and beating children at arcade games (yes you get awarded for that!). Sometimes, you'll find wads of cash on the ground. And like any good park manager, you add the money to your bank account instead of searching for the owner of the cash.

Best of all, this is one of those games you can keep playing, even after you've beaten all the missions. Which, in my language, is saying you get to keep gaming forever and ever! And you know, cleaning up puke and crushing children's dreams forever and ever.

Thrillville: Off the Rails

This is like the creators of Thrillville got seriously high while designing the sequel and published it before anyone could tell them otherwise. Not that I'm complaining. The different parks in this game can only be described as insane. There's one where it looks like you've been shrunk down and you're on a carpet with scattered toys and a huge cat! Not to mention the tunnel system is more luxurious looking, and the train inside can quickly take your from park to park instead of you having to travel all the way to one specific section and find the tunnel/portal thing.

There are more stalls, more games, and WAY more exciting coasters. You literally go "off the rails" on a bunch of them: on one, you're even shot out of the coaster and parachute down to the ground! But of course, with great coasters comes great barf-ability. The ground is seriously caked in that stuff! And just like last time, you have to do the work yourself at first because you have the uncanny ability to hire the most useless people on the planet.

Aside from all of that, you can ride a mechanical bull, test your strength, and win those oversized teddy bears you see in pretty much every movie with a carnival scene in it. Of course, since it's in a video game, the stuffed animals are pretty much useless to you but it's the thought the game designers put into it that counts, right?

ATV Off Road Fury 2

This is another one of those games that I don't really pay attention in and I just go driving around and make myself look like a complete noob. But any presumptions to that are quickly put to rest when you see my kick-ass tricks and high scores.

A lot of my time in this game is spent exploring the areas, which I've unlocked the majority of. They're mostly forests and plains, but sometimes I'll stumble upon an abandoned log cabin, or a frozen over lake, or even a train that's still chugging down the tracks. Let me tell you, finding and riding on top of the train for the first time is a magical moment: like your first kiss except it's harder to mess up and a lot less intimate. Also, it take a whole lot longer since that fucker won't stay still (talking about the train).

On top of all that train-finding magic, you're also given the opportunity to design your character before every round of racing/goofing off. You can change everything from their ATV to their gender to their gloves and everything in between. The same goes for the characters of everyone who's playing, which makes a maximum of four. Of course, I only got Mello to play with me once and he didn't like it too much.

_Why hasn't this bike been unlocked yet? _He'd say. _God dammit, Matt, I thought you were a gamer!_

_What the fuck? Why aren't I moving? _ Hold down the X button, buddy.

_Why the hell won't it let me speed boost? Piece of shit!_ Your acceleration bar is empty, smart one. And don't call my baby a piece of shit!

Yeah, good times.

So, those were the only games really worth mentioning. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go search through the old shed out back for some tools to bring back my poor station. And if that fails, I'll have to try to revive it using some sort of satanic ritual (it probably won't work, but at least Mells will flip out).

* * *

**A/N: Oh, and in case any of you forgot, Happy Mothers day (in America)! Now please leave a review :3**


End file.
